Once upon a time, I rolled into the Salzburg Hauptbahnhof for the first time ever, anxious to experience the magic behind this Disney-esque city that inspired my beloved musical, The Sound of Music (the hills really are alive folks...this wasn't a lie.) Being confronted by everything Mozart from the moment we stepped off the ÖBB (namely the ubiquitous Mozartkugeln), I tingled with excitement thinking about the musical brilliance pulsating from this unique town.
Salzkammergut
Having noticed the outlandish prices of the hotels surrounding the historic Altstadt, we decided it was a financially prudent decision to take a bus toward the outskirts of the city and enjoy a little solitude in the quaint town of Eugendorf, which lies about 10 short km outside of Salzburg. The thought of spending a mellow week in rural Austria delighted all of us, and really brought me closer to the essence of the Von Trapp family.... I could almost hear Sixteen Going On Seventeen echoing across the lush hills, as I became lost in images of Rolfe serenading me in the renowned gazebo.
Eugendorf
After being dropped off at a plank surrounded by little other than overgrown grass, we began walking into the village in search of an inn to rest our heads for a few nights. Thankfully, we found a tiny bed and breakfast located on what seemed to also be an authentic Austrian farm. "How charming!", I remember naïvely thinking...little did I know that I would soon suffer from the worst mutant bite known to humankind the following night.
It all started innocently enough.....after a good nights sleep, my brother and I (who were sharing a room adjacent to my parents bedroom) were awakened by the prototypical sound of a rooster crowing to let the Eugendorfers know that it was time to prepare frühstück and get the day going. Although it was pleasantly amusing to hear an actual rooster waking me to consciousness, the appreciation lasted for about five minutes before I longed to hurl my leftover Nusbrot out our second story window and quiet the little hooligan. Just as I rolled over onto my back and opened my eyes to appease the stubborn brute, I felt a dire itch emanating from my forearm. I gasped in horror as I perceived the swollen lump encasing my elbow, shocked at how this dramatic mutation had occurred just overnight. My brother, upon just waking up, had also been inflicted by the tenacious pests. Still in disbelief, I dressed and went downstairs for a comforting bowl of müsli....the urge to itch growing more intense every second.
The morning of...
Now in all fairness, I will admit that my body generally reacts a little severely to mosquito bites. I have been known to swell to abnormal sizes, but I am convinced that there must have been something strangely potent in these Austrian farm mosquitoes...perhaps it was the cow blood that produced these menacing imps. In any case, by lunch time, my forearm had grown to roughly the size of a mandarin orange....the hard lump of poison throbbing with pain as I attempted to enjoy the farmers market we were strolling through. As the sun fell below the Alps and we retired back to our rooms for the night, my brother and I, having suffered through an entire day suppressing violent irritations, vowed to declare war tonight on these insects... if they dared to come lurking...
My brother, being the always-prepared for battle, warrior-minded male he was, had taken all necessary steps to seal off the room during the day...hoping to keep any newcomers out, and intentionally plotting the unfortunate fate of those trapped inside. As we clicked the lamp off and watched the luminous moonlight overtake our zimmer, I began transcending reality and slipping into a dreamy slumber, only to be convulsed back to life by a piercing buzzing noise coming from my left ear. My body violently jolted upward as I slapped my face instinctually and then.........silence........... adrenaline pumping, I could feel my quick, shallow breathing and my heart racing... I knew this was it. It was now or never. Doing a quick ninja tuck across my bed and onto the floor to wake my brother, who was also already awake, we turned the lamp on to surprise the bloodsucking gremlin. In silence, each of us slowly covered our part of the room, meticulously scanning the plaster walls in search of the black insect indulging in the aftermath of its latest meal...my neck. Suddenly, I caught sight of it......plump with my blood.....satisfied.....baiting me with its spiny rostrum. For the sake of revenge, I quickly snapped a hand towel at the creature and *CRACK!*...an eruption of blood exploded into the towel, leaving remnants of gangly legs and guts stuck helplessly to the wall. Feeling quite pleased with myself, I turned around to notice my brother standing on top of the toilet in the bathroom, carefully eyeing the wall of the shower. "Here we go..." he proudly chuckled, intensely focused on the insolent vampire resting on the wall. "Gimme the towel", he asked...eyes fixed....*POP!*...as intestines spattered out in all directions. I couldn't help letting out a giggle thinking about the fact that we were in the middle of nowhere, on a farm at 2AM, skillfully towel-snapping these blood bombs all over the wall one after another. It was almost like the Fourth of July...only a slightly grotesque version. After repeating this process a few more times, hoping to weed out any last stragglers, we finally decided we had sterilized the room and lied our heads down to rest for the night. Needless to say, that was the last time they pushed their luck with these auslanders.
Das ist sehr gut!
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